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Characters:
Jake: Around 30 or 35, a "regular guy", works in advertising, Pal’s
"person"
Pal: Jake’s dog. To be played by a man of any age in a dog suit.
Sara: Jake’s new neighbor downstairs.
Setting:
Jake’s small, city apartment.
Scene I
Jake enters. Tosses down briefcase, hangs jacket on a hook. Pal is lying on
an orange rug in the middle of the floor, nearly asleep.
Jake
Hey Pal. How's your day been? (Pal looks up sleepily) Yeah. That's what I thought. Pretty good, right? You’ve got the sun, the rug, as much food as you want, no worries, no work. It’s just you, chew toys, eating and sleeping all day long. Wonderful. My life sucks. Even compared to a dog’s life. (Flops down on the sofa)
Pal
Sez you, Jake. (Looks up at clock) Huh. I guess it is 5:00 already. (Yawning) Time for another looong episode of "Jake’s Life" on the boring channel. Why don’t we go for a walk instead? Look, my leash is hanging right over there.
Jake
Oh sure, I’ll just jump up right now. Look, I’ve been working all day. This is not a good time.
Pal
Well, okay. Just remember that I listen to all your stupid problems every day. You must know by now that the new secretary at work failing to look at you, or the mechanic over-charging you doesn’t interest me much. What ever happened to the good old days? Tennis ball throwing indoors, checking out all the babes at the dog park, long walks to nowhere in particular. Just us guys. Talking shit about the cats next door, watching nature shows on TV. Those were the days. You sure don’t get out much anymore. And what ever happened to that Geena girl? She smelled good. Like Pomeranian.
Jake
Listen Pal, you know exactly what happened, so shut up. And that has nothing to do with going on walks or any thing else. We broke up. So what? I hated her stupid yappy little dog, anyway. (Pause) She did smell good, though. (Pause, then angrily) Just shut up, Pal.
Pal
Okay, okay. Jeez. All I want is a walk.
Jake
No it’s not! Don’t pretend to be all simple like that. God! You are so manipulative sometimes. You just lie there looking all innocent on your filthy orange shag rug, but inside you’re just overflowing with ideas. And they’re all about making my life miserable while you lounge around all day. I feed you every day. When you need to "do your duties" I have to go with you out into the cold! And what do I get? This. I get to listen to your little tirades about how hard you’ve got it. You are a dog. You do not have problems. I am a person. I do have problems. You are supposed to help me. You’re supposed to listen. (Buries his head in his hands) It’s not like I have anyone else who will.
Pal
You can say what you like, but I do have problems, and I still listen to yours. You just won’t talk about them. C’mon, let’s go out. A nice long walk will help!
Jake
I can’t believe you! (Imitating Pal’s voice) "Hi! I’m Pal! I’m a dog! I have so many frickin’ problems, I don’t even know what to do! Why, just yesterday I forgot where the living room was, and I had to sleep in the goddam bedroom all day!" I really wish that I could talk to someone who had some kind of grip on reality once in a while. Maybe I’ll start seeing a shrink.
Pal
Great. You do that. Y’know, that really hurts my feelings, Jake. You’re going to pay a human to listen to you, when you have a perfectly good listener right here. (Pal gets up on the sofa and sits by Jake) C’mon, talk to me. I may pretend that I don’t care about your human life, but you’re all I’ve got. I can’t forget that my Jake raised me from a pup. I’ll listen. I’ll help.
Jake
You won’t understand. You couldn’t understand.
Pal
Try me. You said I’d never understand how to "heel" either, but all it took was treats. I never pull on the leash anymore. Speaking of leashes...
Jake
Okay, okay. I get the point. We’ll go on a walk later.
(Long pause)
Pal
Fine. Fine. If you aren’t going to talk. I guess I’ll have to. Let’s see... Oh yeah! Today, I was standing over by the water dish, and this really weird, suspicious looking pigeon landed on the windowsill. So I politely barked and asked him what he was doing there, you know, I don’t want any weirdoes hanging around here; but he just looked at me with his head all creepy and turned to the side, makin’ all those messed up pigeon sounds. So that got me really riled up. I really gave him a piece of my mind... (Pause) Oh! And then that new neighbor walked by the door. At first I thought it was a burglar or something... (Yawns) but it wasn’t.
(Pal starts to doze off. Pause)
Jake
Great! (Pal starts awake) Now that you’re sooo relaxed, let’s talk about my day. At work I was trying to come up with ideas for the new Tupperware ad; I thought I came up with some pretty good stuff, but Susan said that the model I suggested for the mom wasn’t sexy enough. She said that my ad didn’t fit in with the "zeitgeist" of the new millennium. She actually used that word. And she actually thought that a sexier housewife would sell more Tupperware. Next she’ll be telling me that I need to pick a more attractive old man for the Depends photo shoot next week, or a thinner, more "hot" baby for the next Gerber advertisement. So thanks to Susan, this Tupperware project is going to take another week. Then Geena called me. At work. She hasn’t spoken to me in over two weeks. I was all excited to hear from her, but it turns out she just needed my zip code so she could mail me that hat I left at her house like a year ago. I really think she hates me. So hearing from her really made talking about Tupperware with Susan all day even more fun. Then, I was walking home from the bus stop, and I decided to stop at Ming’s Produce Stand. They had some figs that looked really good, and I hadn’t talked to Ming in forever. He always cheers me up, and I really needed cheering up after today. So I picked out some fruit and walked up to the counter, but it wasn’t Ming behind the register. It was his daughter. Did you know she’s already like 19? Anyway, I hadn’t seen her since she was a kid, like thirteen, and she didn’t look much different. I was just going to pay and get out of there since Ming wasn’t there, but Tina recognized me. So we talked for a little while. She seemed like a nice enough kid. Then she told me that she had always thought that I was "cute." Then she asked me for my phone number.
Pal
Cool! You’ve got a new girlfriend! Now you can forget about Geena! Does Tina have a dog? Maybe we could be friends!
Jake
Aaargh! I knew you wouldn’t understand! NO! I didn’t say I would go out with her. I practically ran out of the store. I even left the figs and a twenty-dollar bill I was going to pay with on the counter.
Pal
Ha ha! You wasted twenty dollars because you’re afraid of girls!
Jake
Some pal you are, Pal. You’re really making me feel a whole lot better. She’s fifteen years younger than I am! And she’s Ming’s daughter! And I’ve known her since she was a kid. I don’t even care about the money. I want my dignity back.
Pal
At least you had some to begin with. I’m a dog. Everyone knows me for the slobbering, bone-burying, fire-hydrant-pissing, leg-humping miscreant that I am. Or maybe I should feel lucky for being able to do all those things. Having no dignity to lose sure gives a guy a lot of freedom. Then again, being a pet dog doesn’t give you much freedom either... I guess the closest I’ll ever get to liberty is when I’m on a nice long walk. Ahem. A walk...
Jake
Yes Pal, even through your thick veil of subtlety, I understand that you want to go for a walk. And I have already made it clear that we will go later.
(Jake picks up a newspaper from the coffee table, and is about to open it up when... there is a knock at the door.)
Pal
(Yelling, obviously startled) Whoa! Holy crap! I didn’t see that coming!
(Barks furiously, leaping off the sofa)
(Jake opens the door, Pal sits behind him, growling. There is a girl at the
door, about Jake’s age. She is holding a grocery bag.)
Sara
Hi, um, you’re Jake right? (Jake nods) You don’t know me. My name’s Sara; I just moved in downstairs. I recognized you at Ming’s today. I saw your little "situation" with the girl at the counter, and I thought you might want these, (takes one out of the bag of figs) so I paid with the money you left on the counter. Here’s your change. (Hands him some money from her pocket)
Jake
Wow, thanks. (Takes money and figs) Why don’t you come in? I’ll make some coffee...
Sara
I would, but Zoe hasn’t had her walk yet; I really should take her out. I promised her we’d go to the dog park... (Sees Pal) Hey boy! What’s your name?
Pal
I’m Pal, nice to meet you. I couldn't help but hear you mention a walk. Jake here and I were also about to go for a stroll...
Sara
(Looks at Jake) Great! Why don’t you come along with Zoe and I? She doesn’t have many friends around here yet.
Jake
Well, uh, we weren’t... (Sees Pal’s pleading eyes, and Sara’s bright smile) Okay, I guess right now is as good a time as any... (Grabs Pal’s leash, starts out the door) C’mon Pal! Let’s go for a walk!
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