Justin Tibbet

Clueless

Characters:

MS. SCARLET – Mid to late twenties, beautiful, thick English accent
COL. MUSTARD – Early fifties, very refined retired Army Colonel. A very "uppity" refined American accent.
MR. GREEN – Early thirties or forties. A slick, sleazy, kiss-up weasel. American accent.
MRS. PEACOCK – Fifties to sixties. VERY English, snobbish and rich.
MRS. WHITE – Fifties to sixties. Very spirited English maid.

Setting:

An old English mansion in the late 1800’s, early 1900’s. Whole play takes place in an old-fashioned library complete with a Grandfather clock, roaring fire with a rug and two wing-back chairs in front of it, a large table in the middle, and endless floor-to-ceiling bookshelves stuffed with leather-bound volumes.

"Clueless"
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

Stage is dark. Spotlight comes up on MS. SCARLET center stage. COL. MUSTARD, MRS. PEACOCK, and MR. GREEN are in the background. They are in the Library, standing motionless, as if frozen in time.
MS. SCARLET (to the audience): First of all, I must apologize to you dear, sweet audience for what I am about to do. The act somewhat disgusts me, and I cannot believe that I, myself, am about to perform it. But, some things just cannot be helped. I have put up with them for far too long. The bickering. The fighting. The accusations. They must all come to a stop, and they will today. I have tossed and turned over the idea for some time, but last night after supper, as you will see, they went too far… they had finally said too much. I had to do something. Again, my apologies, but hopefully you will understand what I must do.

MS. SCARLET leaves center stage, and joins the rest of the cast in a motionless state. She is standing beside MR. GREEN. As the lights come up, the cast suddenly comes alive; we’ve stumbled upon them in the Library during their after-dinner drink. COL. MUSTARD and MR. GREEN both have scotches in their hands. MRS. PEACOCK and MS. SCARLET both have glasses of port. COL MUSTARD is smoking a cigar.

COL. MUSTARD: …then the bartender said, because horses only have four legs!

EVERYONE LAUGHS HEARTILY

MRS. PEACOCK: Oh, Colonel! You’re certainly a funny man! Why, I’m not sure that I have ever heard such hilarious jokes!

MR. GREEN: Indeed, Colonel. I must admit that you have quite the comic streak tonight.

COL MUSTARD: Why, thank you. Perhaps we should mix my jokes with alcohol more often! At least that way, somebody laughs!

EVERYONE CHUCKLES

MR. GREEN: Well, as much as I would love to stay and guffaw at your witticisms, I must retire. Those idiots at father’s mansion really raked me over the coals today. It’s amazing how many questions you get asked when you’re inheriting millions! Are you coming, darling?

MS. SCARLET: Yes. I’m quite tired, too.

MR. GREEN: Alright then, goodnight everyone.

EVERYONE BIDS THEM GOOD EVENING, and MR. GREEN and MS. SCARLET exit arm in arm. She is whispering sweet nothings into his ear as they leave, and he laughs as they go out the door.

MRS. PEACOCK: I cannot believe it!

COL MUSTARD: Believe what?

MRS. PEACOCK: The way they carry on! My nephew has been completely fooled by that… that floozy!

MS. SCARLET appears at the doorway, hears their conversation and stops. She is intently listening to them.

COL MUSTARD: Now, now Mrs. Peacock. I would hardly say that Ms. Scarlet is a floozy. She seems nice enough to me. And who cares, anyway? It’s young love… let them be. You remember what it’s like to be in love, don’t you?

MRS. PEACOCK: Yes, Colonel, I do remember. But, you and I have been acquainted with Ms. Scarlet long enough to know what she does with men. She’ll act madly in love with them, sponge off their money for awhile, and then leave them in the lurch when she’s had her fill. But, this time when she sponges, she is taking some of my money! My brother, may he rest in peace, reserved a tidy sum for me in his will, but if she keeps taking and taking from my nephew, there will be nothing left!

COL. MUSTARD: If it’s in the will, why are you worried? Isn’t it legally yours?

MRS. PEACOCK: Not yet. My brother told me I was in the will, but they haven’t been able to "find" it. My nephew is in charge of the estate, and until they find the will, he can disperse funds as he sees fit!

COL MUSTARD: Do you really think Green’s spent that much on her?

MRS. PEACOCK: I don’t know how much he’s spent, but did you see that bloody necklace on her this evening? It must have cost a fortune. A few more trinkets like that, and there goes my fortune, right down the drain!

COL MUSTARD: Well, what do you suggest we do about it? Kill her? (Laughs)

MRS. PEACOCK: Why not? Why bloody well not?! There are always murders happening in this house. Accusations are always flying… Mr. Green in the Dining Room with the Lead Pipe. Mrs. White in the Study with the Rope… there seems to be no end! Why not add one more to the list?

COL. MUSTARD: Mrs. Peacock! I can’t believe you! Listen to what you’re saying! You want to kill Ms. Scarlet? It’s madness!

MRS. PEACOCK: Not madness, Colonel… desperation. What else can I possibly do?

COL MUSTARD: How about talking to Mr. Green? Surely he would understand.

MRS. PEACOCK: I have. He says that I’m crazy, that my brother had loads of money — that he couldn’t possibly spend it all. But, I know better, Colonel. He’s blinded by her. What else can I do?

COL. MUSTARD: Well, I still think it’s madness, but I see your point. How shall we do it? The candlestick in the Dining Room has been quite overdone lately. And if one more person gets killed in the Kitchen with the knife, I’ll strangle myself with the rope. No, we have to come up with something original… something no one’s ever done before. Are you sure you want to go through with this?

MRS. PEACOCK: Quite sure. (Thinking) Indeed.

MS. SCARLET storms into the room.

MS. SCARLET: Well, I’m glad that you came to a unanimous decision! Why don’t you talk about it some more and see if you can figure out how you want my body to look when I’m dead! Would you like me to do my hair a certain way?

COL MUSTARD: (nervously) Ms. Scarlet, my dear! We were just talking about you!

MS. SCARLET: Oh, I know. I heard everything. I came back to get this bloody trinket of mine (she picks diamond necklace off of the table), and heard your vulgar conversation. Well, don’t fret. You won’t have to worry about me for long. (MS. SCARLET storms out.)

MRS. PEACOCK: Bloody hell! What are we going to do now?

COL MUSTARD: I don’t know… I don’t know.

Lights Fade to Black.

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

The stage is dark. A gunshot is heard onstage. Slowly, the lights come up to reveal a dead MS. SCARLET lying on an orange shag rug on one side of room, opposite the doorway. A revolver is laying by her side.

Enter COL. MUSTARD, MR. GREEN, and MRS. PEACOCK. They rush into the room looking around nervously.

COL. MUSTARD: I say! What was all that racket?

MRS. PEACOCK: Screams, and buries her face into MR. GREEN’S chest.

MR. GREEN: Good Lord! What is it, Auntie Peacock?

MRS. PEACOCK: (pointing) Over there. On the floor.

COL. MUSTARD: Good God, it’s Ms. Scarlet! (Running over to her, he accidentally kicks the revolver into the middle of the room, and bends to one knee to take her pulse.) I’m afraid she’s… dead.

MR. GREEN: Dead?

COL MUSTARD: Dead.

MRS. PEACOCK: OOOOHH!!! (Puts her hand to her forehead, and falls into a chair.)

ENTER MRS. WHITE carrying a tray with tea cups and a plate of cookies.

MRS. WHITE: What is all this ruckus about? I could hear you all the way in the kitchen! If you were any louder, you could wake the dead!

MR. GREEN: That might be helpful for her. (Pointing at Ms. Scarlet)

MRS. WHITE: Jesus, Mary and Joseph… what happened to her?

MR. GREEN: Well, they usually say in cases like this, the butler did it, (pointing at Mrs. White) but you’ll do…

MRS. WHITE: I beg your pardon! I’ll have you know I am a Christian woman! Go to church every week, I do… haven’t missed a Sunday in 43 years, you heathen!

COL. MUSTARD: But Mrs. White… didn’t I see you at the track last Sunday morning? Yes! You were betting on Maids-A-Milkin’ to win in the third!

MRS. WHITE: Oh shuttup! No one’s perfect. Here, put something in that cake ‘ole of yours. (Offers him tea and cookies)

MRS. PEACOCK: (Reviving) Ooh! Fig newtons!

MRS. WHITE: Besides. It’s not me you should be askin’ questions. I believe Mr. Green might be able to enlighten us a bit.

MR. GREEN: (Disgusted) Whatever are you talking about?

MRS. WHITE: Oh, come off it. You two have been… how shall I put this… mixing your colors for some time now, haven’t you Green?

MR. GREEN: We have been—uh—seeing each other for a few months. So what? Wouldn’t that make me less of a suspect? Why would I kill her?

COL. MUSTARD: Because of this. (Picking note off of table) It seems she was sick of you. At least that’s what she makes perfectly clear in this… here, it was addressed to you. (Hands note to Mr. Green)

MR. GREEN: (Reading note) I can’t believe it! She told me last week she was never happier! This is an outrage! (Stomping towards door.)

MRS. WHITE: Indeed it is. Mr. Green, before you go, have you seen the wrench? There’s a loose pipe in the kitchen I would like to tighten up.

MR. GREEN: Wrench? What do I look like… a mechanic? The only "tool" I’ve seen lately is the knife Col. Mustard had earlier today. He said he was using it as a letter opener. As a matter of fact, where is the knife, Colonel?

COL. MUSTARD: Hold it right there! Are you insinuating I killed Ms. Scarlet? Are you crazy? That dear girl was like a daughter to me. The only reason I can be sure that you didn’t kill her is because you’re too much of a coward to have done it!

MR. GREEN: On the contrary… I think I very well could have done it. Believe me, there were times I wanted to. In fact, I could kill whoever I feel like killing, why just last week I—I didn’t kill her! I loved her! Furthermore, I’m not the one traipsing through the halls with a knife, Colonel!

COL. MUSTARD: Like I told you… I used the knife to open mail. It’s back—safe and sound—in the kitchen.

MRS. WHITE: He’s telling the truth. I used the knife just now to slice some carrots for tonight’s roast.

COL MUSTARD: There. You see? I’m no murderer. (Beat) This poor, sweet girl. (Walking towards Ms. Scarlet. He bends and caresses her cheek with his hand.) Who could have committed such a heinous act? Only someone calloused—evil—despicable—selfish! (Looks at Mrs. Peacock.) YOU! Where were you this morning?

MRS. PEACOCK: (Fluffing her hair) I will have you know that I was out getting my hair reinvigorated.

MRS. WHITE: Liar! You did that yesterday! Where were you really?

MRS. PEACOCK: Well… if you must know… I was in Mr. Green’s room.

MR. GREEN: What? Why?

MRS. PEACOCK: I knew about the two of you and your fling, despicable as it was. I also knew you were spending all my money on her. So, I was trying to find something to hold over you… something you wanted to keep secret so desperately you would pay me to keep my silence!

MR. GREEN: Blackmail? You were going to BLACKMAIL me? (Walking towards her) Why you stupid, old…

MRS. WHITE: Now Mr. Green (Stepping in front of him) just because she was snooping doesn’t mean she’s guilty of anything. Well… except snooping. But it does certainly make her look suspicious of more…

MRS. PEACOCK: Well! How dare you of all people—a maid—stand there and accuse me of anything! Just who do you think you are?

MRS. WHITE: I’m a woman with a bloody good reason to suspect you killed her… that’s who I am!

MRS. PEACOCK: Well, while we’re accusing, what about you? You’re the one who wanders this house all day… the one who knows all the ins and outs. I’ve even heard you speak about secret passages you use! How do we know that you didn’t just pop her off yourself?

MRS. WHITE: Well, I didn’t, and let me tell you, if I did—

(MS. SCARLET stands up. There is a bit of blood visible on her forehead. She is wearing her diamond necklace.)

(EVERYONE gasps)

MS. SCARLET: Oh, would you all just shuttup? You are the biggest lot of bloody idiots I’ve ever seen! What is wrong with all of you?!

MRS. WHITE: Ms… Ms. Scarlet! We thought you were dead!

MS. SCARLET: I am dead you old ninny, but you are all so stupid that I couldn’t help but come back and commend you for how idiotic you really are!

MR. GREEN: Whatever do you mean, my love? We were just trying to figure out who did this horrible thing to you.

MS. SCARLET: Are you kidding me? Are you really this oblivious? All I’ve heard living in this house is, "It was Mrs. Peacock in the Conservatory with the lead pipe… Col. Mustard in the Billiard Room with the candlestick… Mr. Green in the Study with the rope." I couldn’t bloody-well take it anymore! I told myself the next time that I heard who did what—in what room—with which weapon, that I would kill myself! And, last night, I heard Mustard and Peacock here, planning my own murder! I had gotten so sick of it all, I thought I would save them the trouble and do myself a favor! So I did! I killed myself! Or couldn’t you figure that out with this gaping hole in the side of my head? (Pointing to her head wound.) You kicked the revolver out of my dead hand, Colonel! What can you say for yourself?

COL MUSTARD: Well, uh, yes I, well…

MS. SCARLET: Exactly. You were too dense to even notice, weren’t you? I can’t believe it! I really am glad I’m dead and don’t have to be around you people anymore… you make me ill!

MR. GREEN: But, my love, what about us? Why did you write this note?

MS. SCARLET: Oh come off it. Haven’t you figured out I was only in it for your money? You repulse me!

MRS. PEACOCK: See, see! I told you, Colonel!

MR. GREEN: What? You told me you loved me!

MS. SCARLET: Have you ever heard of zeitgeist Mr. Green?

MR. GREEN: No.

MS. SCARLET: It means "the spirit of the times." I guess you could say that I got caught up in the zeitgeist of your money… Times for you were good, and spending your money put me in good spirits!

MR. GREEN: Well! I guess I can be glad you’re dead, then!

MS. SCARLET: Me, too!

MR. GREEN: Good riddance!

MS. SCARLET: Goodbye!

MR. GREEN: Go then!

MS. SCARLET: I am!

(MS. SCARLET Lays back down on floor.)

MR. GREEN: Well, Colonel… I guess that’s that.

COL. MUSTARD: Yes Green, that’s that. (Grabs Green’s shoulder in a fatherly squeeze.)

Everyone onstage except MS. SCARLET heads towards door to exit. A scream is heard offstage. Everyone stops.

MRS. WHITE: Bloody hell! What was that?

COL. MUSTARD: I don’t know!

MRS. PEACOCK: Perhaps it was Professor Plum in the Dining Room with the lead pipe!

COL MUSTARD: Dear God, I hope not. That one has been so overdone lately!

Whole cast runs out door except MS. SCARLET. As they exit, MS. SCARLET sits up and looks toward the door after them, then at the audience.

MS. SCARLET: Oh, bloody hell… (She lays back down on floor.)

Fade lights to black.

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