Kathleen Camp

Clepto

SCENE 1
INT. DR. Z OFFICE DAY

Gwen is sitting in an office chair waiting. Dr. Z enters in a quick obsessive manner; he straightens objects on his desk and the picture on desk or wall of Winona Ryder. He speaks with Gwen while doing this.

DR. Z
Hello, I'm Doctor Zeitgeist, sorry I'm late. My patients' colon hydotherapy spilled over. You must be Gwen Southwick.

Goes to shake hands; he has large gloves on; he snaps them off.

GWEN
Zeitgeist, doesn't that mean.....spirit of...

DR. Z
Yes, yes, spirit of the times! After my rebirth I wanted a new name to go with the new me. Dr. Steve Johnson had to go. Yes, now we can begin to begin. There's just a few things I do before starting my sessions....Rituals... we all have our little rituals.

Dr. Z.goes to Buddha shrine,lights candles and chants.

DR. Z
Man-Nyoho-Renge-Kyo.

Repeated several times. Ends by ringing gong and blowing out candles.

DR. Z
Just one more thing.

Dr. Z. picks up native type drum and half dances half walks around room, reciting as he beats drum. He ends dialogue beating the drum directly behind Gwen's head.

DR. Z
I beat this drum
We become one
We beat this drum
Our hearts will open
We beat this drum
Our work is clear
We beat this drum
Our healing is clear
We beat this drum
We become one.

Gwen makes a sour face and speaks loudly.

GWEN
I'm here because I want to stop shoplifting!

Dr. Z sits in chair behind desk. Places fingers together in gesture of superiority.

DR. Z
No reason to shout my dear. First, I must tell you why you're here instead of jail. There are an estimated 23 million shoplifters in our nation today. That's 1 of every 11 Americans. Retailers lose $25 million dollars a day to shoplifting. Conventional criminal reform has not helped! So, in collaboration with several larger retail stores, the federal government is funding a new approach. Me...Me...Now, let’s hear about you, Gwendolyn Ruth Southwick.

GWEN
(puzzled look on face) Well, I remember the first time I shoplifted and the last time—that's when I got caught—but all the other times are just a blur. I --

DR. Z
Yes, typical, typical, follows the pattern. Oh, I forgot to mention. I'm the founder of Shoplifters and Cleptomaniacs Anonymous. S.A.C.A. for short. I was the driving force to have cleptomania classified as a personality disorder, not a crime. Yes, that was me, if you were wondering, it's me, me.

GWEN
(a bit irritated) No, I wasn't wondering, but I am wondering if you want to hear anything at all about me?

DR. Z
I'm feeling some hostility from your side of the room, ouch! There's plenty of time in the months—possibly years—ahead to hear all about Gwen. My funding is until the year 2005.

GWEN
Christ, it's not going to take that long, is it ?!!

DR. Z
Gwen you must realize that only you can answer the question of how long this will take. But, I must ask for a commitment of a least 6 months.

GWEN
Six months! Christ, the jail sentence would only be 10 days!!

DR. Z
You continue to evoke the name of Christ. Were you raised in the Catholic faith? Do you believe Christ can deliver you from this evil?

GWEN
Well, yes... but..no.. No for Christs' sake !! No!!

DR. Z
Ah, yes typical, yes, follows the pattern. Oh and did I tell you I'm also a Toltec Satsang, trained in the vortex of Sedona by the master Ruiz Miguel? Next week end I'll be hosting a two day workshop, "Searching for and Buying the Fig Candy You Deserve." This workshop could be very, very therapeutic for you, Gwen.

GWEN
(even more irritated) Are we going to talk about my problem, now?

DR. Z
Now... of course. Gwen, we are always in the now; that is where all our power lies. The eternal now..now.. right now! Now, step over here and spin the wheel of therapy. A method I discovered to reveal the appropriate course of treatment.

GWEN
But, isn't that just leaving it up to chance?

DR. Z
There is no such thing as chance, or luck or fate, my dear. The Universe always knows what's best for you.

Gwen spins the wheel.

Perfect, perfect, it stopped on aversive conditioning. Aren't you glad it didn't stop on shock therapy?

GWEN
This is nuts!

DR. Z
Aversive conditioning, one of my favorites. Now, Gwen I want you to think of a person, place or thing that makes you feel utterly repulsed.

GWEN
Well..... there's that orange shag rug that was in my first apartment. I hated that rug; it was so ugly and smelled like cat urine and spaghetti sauce with a hint of baby vomit...or was it cat vomit, baby urine and...God, I hated that rug, just talking about it makes me feel sick.

DR. Z
Good! Good! We want you to feel bad. Now we're getting somewhere. Gwen, the next time you find yourself tempted to shoplift, think and say, orange shag rug, orange shag rug, orange shag rug.

Phone rings.

1-800 I WANA STEAL....please hold.

Whispers

I forgot to mention. I'm also the founder of the Clepto Crisis Hot Line, an extra service available to you outside of your treatment plan, for only $9.99 A month.

Returns to phone

Dr. Z. Speaking... yes... yes... I understand...big sale Saks…Neiman Marcus...Winnie, first I want you to breathe…breathe…Now take the dress out of your bag and hang it on the hook…remember...what makes you feel sick? That's right, say it again...tofu…tofu. You can do it…I know you can do it...tofu…okay call me back later to tell me of your success.

GWEN
Speaking of feeling sick, I’m getting sick and tired of this. How in the hell will thinking about some old pissy rug stop me from stealing!

DR. Z
We don't use the "S" word here, young lady. From now on, refer to "it" as your illness, or better yet, think of yourself as a car and you have one little broken part. I'm the mechanic that will find the broken part and fix it.

GWEN
This orange rug thing stinks. I know it won't work. I'll just be vomiting while I'm doing "it"!

DR. Z
Okay, you can spin again.

Gwen spins wheel again.

Ohhhh yesss, I love this one. Psychodynamic therapy. Let’s begin as far back as you can remember...do you remember the first time? Who were you with? What did it feel like? ...Did It feel good?...Did you want to do it again?

Dr. Z.'s Voice sounds sexual and he is fondling himself. He realizes this and snaps back
I'm talking about shoplifting.. Shoplifting...Cleptomania, not...

GWEN
Why are we going back to the past? I thought you said our power was in the now.

DR. Z
Yes, we are talking about the now of then or the then of now.

GWEN
Okay...whatever... I was 4 or 5. My older sister Linda dragged me into the local 5 and dime. She only had enough money for bubble gum but she wanted this pink polish, too. I remember her dropping the little bottle into my pocket, saying, "Shut up and whatever you do, don't look at the store owners." I remember feeling excited and hot, then after leaving the store, I felt relieved. Later, as Linda polished my toenails pink, our mother asked Linda where she got the money to buy the polish. I remember my mother yelling, "Linda Beth Southwick, you're going right down to that store tomorrow and apologize and pay for that polish! Now, get the belt!" I felt sorry for my sister, but happy it wasn't me getting the belt. I felt powerful, somehow.

DR. Z
Yes.. Yes.. Most definitely follows the pattern.

Phone rings. Dr.Z. answers it.

1-800 I WANA STEAL, DR. Z. speaking. Yes.. I see.. Macys', pre-pre Christmas sale...All the other teens have one. Okay..Amanda! Amanda! I'm going to say this loud and clear: you know the drill. Brittany Spears! Now say it back Brittany.

Gwen cuts in, grabs phone.

GWEN
I've had about as much of this as I can take! Amanda, take the damn dress or what ever...Shove it down you pants and grab one for me, too!!

Slams down phone.

DR. Z
Calm down, calm down, I'm just trying to help a fellow patient in need. It could be you calling for help on that line next time, for only $9.99 a month extra, that is.

Almost shouts.

GWEN
Weren't you ever taught phone etiquette? A live body always takes precedence ! Now, you're going to listen to me uninterrupted for the next 10 minutes! If that damn phone rings you have to promise to not answer!

DR. Z
I don't make promises, but I'll try.

GWEN
I'm going to get this off my chest.

Dr.Z. skips to chaise and lays down.

DR. Z
Oh, a catharsis! I just love these! Purge away, purge away!

GWEN
I've never bought any of my children's school clothes and most of my Christmas presents were stolen too! Well... It's just that there's so much out there to want; the true religion of America is consumerism. So, I would go to the malls to pray and worship. There were so many wonderful things to pray to. I couldn't afford to buy them, so I took them.

Gwen is working herself into a frenzy by now.

Sometimes a weak little voice would whisper, "This is wrong" but the God of the mall would shout back, "If you have me you'll feel better!!"

DR. Z
Did you really feel better?

As Gwen speaks Dr. Z looks at his watch and walks over to gong.

GWEN
For a little while, but the good feeling didn't last. I wanted more and more....

Dr. Z. cuts her off, looks at watch again.

DR. Z
(speaks hurriedly) We've achieved a real break through.

Rings gong

I see our time is over. Thank you. See you next week.

Gwen has very puzzled look on face.

The End

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