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ACT ONE FROM:
THE FORTUNE TELLERS’ RIVALRY

by Robert McPhee

A Short Comedy In Two Acts

Cast of Characters:
PLOT- A male demon; cohort to SCHEME
SCHEME - A female demon; cohort to PLOT
EFFIGY- A fortune teller; BALAMB’s rival
BALAMB - A fortune teller; EFFIGY’s rival

Scene: A Dark Place, A Room and On A Street.
Time: The present, during the day.

ACT I, Scene 1

SETTING: A dark place.
AT RISE: Open in on the two demons, PLOT and SCHEME sitting at the edge of the stage dangling their legs. There is a spotlight on the two and they are doing none other than plotting and scheming.

SCHEME: Oh Plot, I have wonderful news!

PLOT: Wonderful? Yegh! How repulsive.

SCHEME: No, I didn’t mean it that way. I mean it’s good…(PLOT looks at her)…bad for us. I’ve found a cure for our recent boredom.

PLOT: Really? Do tell.

SCHEME: Well, when I was out and about today I caught wind of a feud.

PLOT: A feud, heh? Please tell me it’s one with violence and bloodshed.

SCHEME: Um…no. Not yet at least. (PLOT snaps his finger in disappointment) But if my plan goes right, there might very well be some.

PLOT: Well, who’s feuding?

SCHEME: Get this, two Fortune Tellers, Effigy and Balamb—hate each other’s guts. They’re always trying to outdo each other. Sadly though, their feud is only minor. I was thinking we could stir up some trouble, then kick back and let the fireworks fly!

PLOT: YES! LET’S DO! But wait, I’m confused. How shall we stir? With a spoon?

SCHEME: No, not with a spoon. I had another idea in mind.

PLOT: We could always throw spoons and place the blame on the other Fortune Teller. That would get them fighting.

SCHEME: I was thinking more of a note.

PLOT: Huh? How are we supposed to write a note on spoons? Oh, I get it, we write nasty things on spoons, and launch them at the Fortune Tellers! Or maybe we can poke their eyes out. That would be fun.

SCHEME: No, you idiot. That’s not what I had in mind. We can send a note to each Fortune Teller from the other. They can say horrible, nasty things. Heh heh heh.

PLOT: Oh poo, and I thought we’d get to use spoons.

SCHEME: After sending the notes, they’ll hate each other even more. Then we can pop up here and there and lend some helping hands.

PLOT: AND THROW SPOONS!

SCHEME: Not quite what I had in mind.

PLOT: Well, can we at least tie the notes to spoons and throw them?

SCHEME: Oh, I guess so. Come on, we have notes to write!

PLOT: And spoons to throw!

END OF SCENE 1

ACT I, SCENE 2

SETTING: It is a room. At the center is a table covered by an ornate tapestry.
AT RISE: EFFIGY is sitting on the stage left side of the table playing with some Tarot Cards. From behind EFFIGY, we see PLOT and SCHEME. PLOT is playing with some spoons and SCHEME is folding a note.

PLOT: Pretty spoons, don’t you think?

SCHEME: Just give me one of them so I can send this note on its way.

(PLOT hands SCHEME a spoon. She ties a note to it)

SCHEME: I did well to fill the note with horrible nasty things. Oh a marvelous feud we shall have. Now flutter away little note!

(SCHEME launches the spoon at EFFIGY, pegging him/her in the head. PLOT and SCHEME exit)

EFFIGY: (Rubbing his/her head) Ouch! What is this, a note attached to a spoon? I wonder who has the nerves to sneak into my place and throw a spoon at me? (Unfolds the note) Oh my…(Reads the note out loud) "Dearest Effeegy, you are smelly pig poo and I revile the ground you walk on. You can’t see into the future no more than you can see in front of your face. Silly fortune teller imposter thingy! I spit in your general direction while wiping my nose on your so called Tarot Cards! I challenge you! Neener neener. Balamb." (Pause) What sort of nonsense is this? He can’t even spell my name right. Has Balamb really resorted to such childish insults and the throwing of silverware? Balamb, if it is a war you want, it is a war you will get! (Exits as the room blacks out. The spotlight comes on as PLOT and SCHEME enter)

PLOT: Did the plan work?

SCHEME: You have eyes; you very well saw it did.

PLOT: Nya ha ha. Soon there will be bloodshed…and SPOONS!

SCHEME: Don’t be too sure of yourself. We still have one more note to deliver. Let’s go. (They exit)

END OF SCENE 2

ACT I, SCENE 3

SETTING: Same as SCENE 2
AT RISE: BALAMB is sitting at the stage right side of the table polishing his/her crystal ball. From behind, we see PLOT and SCHEME yet again. PLOT is still playing with spoons.

SCHEME: Ah yet another pretty note to send on its way. Plot! Give me one of those spoons!
(PLOT ignores her and is trying to stick a spoon to his nose. SCHEME snatches the spoon away and ties the note to it. She throws it towards BALAMB but BALAMB sneezes, causing him/her to duck out of the way and letting the spoon hit the crystal ball)
SCHEME: Damn, missed! (PLOT and SCHEME exit; BALAMB looks up)

BALAMB: What was that? Who’s there? Hey, my crystal ball is scratched! Who did this? I demand to know! (Notices the spoon and picks it up. He/she unfolds the note) Huh, what’s this? A note from Effigy? (Reads out loud) "Dearest Balamb, you are smelly cow dung and I revile the air you breathe. You can’t see into the future no more than you can see in front of your face. Silly fortune teller imposter. I spit in your general direction and then I wipe my arse on your so called crystal ball. I challenge you. Neener neener. Efeegy." (Pause) What kind of an idiot are you, Effigy? You couldn’t even spell your name right. Hmm, pitiful insults…sounds like you had a child write this for you. I’m impressed, instead of the traditional brick, you just decided to use a spoon…how original. But that doesn’t get you off of scratching my crystal ball. I’ll make you pay! (Exits as the room blacks out. The spotlight comes on as PLOT and SCHEME enter again)

SCHEME: Aha, we are so brilliant…(Looks at PLOT)…well, maybe just me. Just think Plot, we may soon have what we want.

PLOT: Yes, many, many wonderful, shiny spoons. Gardens of spoons, spoons, cascades of spoons, spoons everywhere!

SCHEME: Yeah…right…whatever you say Plot. Now we must be off. If I’m right, the two will meet in the streets in a few minutes! (PLOT and SCHEME exit)

END OF SCENE 3

ACT I, SCENE 4

SETTING: An empty street.
AT RISE: At the same time, EFFIGY and BALAMB both walk onstage from opposite directions. They meet in the middle of the street where an argument begins.

EFFIGY: Gee, nice running into you here.

BALAMB: Wish I could say the same.

EFFIGY: Our quarrel ends here, you crystal ball-obsessed freak!

BALAMB: Yes, it will, you card-shuffling raging psychopath!

EFFIGY: I see why you like crystal balls so much, you have a lot in common with them! Nothing more than trapped air!

BALAMB: Well, I never! At least my customers come back!

EFFIGY: Oh, so we’re bringing customers into this? Well, I’ve heard from customers that all you do is admire yourself and pick your teeth in the reflection of your crystal ball!

BALAMB: At least I have something to admire! Wish I could say the same for your face!

EFFIGY: Grr, I could just…um…curse you right now! (Realizing it’s a no win situation) Um, uh, unfortunately, I must be going! Yeah, I have um, appointments with CUSTOMERS to keep, unlike some people!

BALAMB: Yeah you just get going, do your fancy little card shuffling shenanigans. We’ll see who’s the top fortune teller. And just for your information, Mr. I Think I Know Everything, I’m booked ALL DAY with appointments.

EFFIGY: Ooh, booked all day. I’m so happy for you. That’s more people you can scare off and send my way. I should be thanking you.

BALAMB: You’re so welcome. Your generosity is so admirable that I think I’ll go puke now. Just wait till our paths cross again! (BALAMB abruptly turns around, snubs EFFIGY and exits the way he/she came. EFFIGY does the same shortly after)

END OF SCENE 4

END OF ACT ONE

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