SCHEME
Oh Plot,
I have wonderful news!
PLOT
Wonderful?
Yegh! How repulsive.
SCHEME
No, I didn’t
mean it that way. I mean it’s good…(PLOT looks at her)…bad
for us. I’ve found a cure for our recent boredom.
PLOT
Really? Do
tell.
SCHEME
Well, when
I was out and about today I caught wind of a feud.
PLOT
A feud, heh?
Please tell me it’s one with violence and bloodshed.
SCHEME
Um…no.
Not yet at least. (PLOT snaps his finger in disappointment) But
if my plan goes right, there might very well be some.
PLOT
Well, who’s
feuding?
SCHEME
Get this,
two Fortune Tellers, Effigy and Balamb—hate each other’s
guts. They’re always trying to outdo each other. Sadly though,
their feud is only minor. I was thinking we could stir up some
trouble, then kick back and let the fireworks fly!
PLOT
YES! LET’S
DO! But wait, I’m confused. How shall we stir? With a spoon?
SCHEME
No, not with
a spoon. I had another idea in mind.
PLOT
We could
always throw spoons and place the blame on the other Fortune Teller.
That would get them fighting.
SCHEME
I was thinking
more of a note.
PLOT
Huh? How
are we supposed to write a note on spoons? Oh, I get it, we write
nasty things on spoons, and launch them at the Fortune Tellers!
Or maybe we can poke their eyes out. That would be fun.
SCHEME
No, you idiot.
That’s not what I had in mind. We can send a note to each
Fortune Teller from the other. They can say horrible, nasty things.
Heh heh heh.
PLOT
Oh poo, and
I thought we’d get to use spoons.
SCHEME
After sending
the notes, they’ll hate each other even more. Then we can
pop up here and there and lend some helping hands.
PLOT
AND THROW
SPOONS!
SCHEME
Not quite
what I had in mind.
PLOT
Well, can
we at least tie the notes to spoons and throw them?
SCHEME
Oh, I guess
so. Come on, we have notes to write!
PLOT
And spoons
to throw!
END
OF SCENE 1
ACT
I
SCENE 2
| SETTING: |
It is
a room. At the center is a table covered by an ornate tapestry.
|
| AT RISE: |
EFFIGY
is sitting on the stage left side of the table playing with
some Tarot Cards. From behind EFFIGY, we see PLOT and SCHEME.
PLOT is playing with some spoons and SCHEME is folding a note. |
PLOT
Pretty spoons,
don’t you think?
SCHEME
Just give
me one of them so I can send this note on its way.
(PLOT hands
SCHEME a spoon. She ties a note to it)
SCHEME
I did well
to fill the note with horrible nasty things. Oh a marvelous feud
we shall have. Now flutter away little note!
(SCHEME launches
the spoon at EFFIGY, pegging him/her in the head. PLOT and SCHEME
exit)
EFFIGY
(Rubbing
his/her head) Ouch! What is this, a note attached to a spoon?
I wonder who has the nerves to sneak into my place and throw a
spoon at me? (Unfolds the note) Oh my…(Reads the note out
loud) "Dearest Effeegy, you are smelly pig poo and I revile
the ground you walk on. You can’t see into the future no
more than you can see in front of your face. Silly fortune teller
imposter thingy! I spit in your general direction while wiping
my nose on your so called Tarot Cards! I challenge you! Neener
neener. Balamb." (Pause) What sort of nonsense is this? He
can’t even spell my name right. Has Balamb really resorted
to such childish insults and the throwing of silverware? Balamb,
if it is a war you want, it is a war you will get! (Exits as the
room blacks out. The spotlight comes on as PLOT and SCHEME enter)
PLOT
Did the plan
work?
SCHEME
You have
eyes; you very well saw it did.
PLOT
Nya ha ha.
Soon there will be bloodshed…and SPOONS!
SCHEME
Don’t
be too sure of yourself. We still have one more note to deliver.
Let’s go. (They exit)
END
OF SCENE 2
ACT
I
SCENE 3
| SETTING: |
Same
as SCENE 2 |
| AT
RISE: |
BALAMB
is sitting at the stage right side of the table polishing
his/her crystal ball. From behind, we see PLOT and SCHEME
yet again. PLOT is still playing with spoons. |
SCHEME
Ah yet another
pretty note to send on its way. Plot! Give me one of those spoons!
(PLOT ignores her and is trying to stick a spoon to his nose.
SCHEME snatches the spoon away and ties the note to it. She throws
it towards BALAMB but BALAMB sneezes, causing him/her to duck
out of the way and letting the spoon hit the crystal ball)
SCHEME
Damn, missed!
(PLOT and SCHEME exit; BALAMB looks up)
BALAMB
What was
that? Who’s there? Hey, my crystal ball is scratched! Who
did this? I demand to know! (Notices the spoon and picks it up.
He/she unfolds the note) Huh, what’s this? A note from Effigy?
(Reads out loud) "Dearest Balamb, you are smelly cow dung
and I revile the air you breathe. You can’t see into the
future no more than you can see in front of your face. Silly fortune
teller imposter. I spit in your general direction and then I wipe
my arse on your so called crystal ball. I challenge you. Neener
neener. Efeegy." (Pause) What kind of an idiot are you, Effigy?
You couldn’t even spell your name right. Hmm, pitiful insults…sounds
like you had a child write this for you. I’m impressed, instead
of the traditional brick, you just decided to use a spoon…how
original. But that doesn’t get you off of scratching my crystal
ball. I’ll make you pay! (Exits as the room blacks out. The
spotlight comes on as PLOT and SCHEME enter again)
SCHEME
Aha, we are
so brilliant…(Looks at PLOT)…well, maybe just me. Just
think Plot, we may soon have what we want.
PLOT
Yes, many,
many wonderful, shiny spoons. Gardens of spoons, spoons, cascades
of spoons, spoons everywhere!
SCHEME
Yeah…right…whatever you say Plot. Now we must be off.
If I’m right, the two will meet in the streets in a few minutes!
(PLOT and SCHEME exit)
END
OF SCENE 3
ACT I
SCENE 4
| SETTING: |
An empty
street. |
| AT RISE: |
At the
same time, EFFIGY and BALAMB both walk onstage from opposite
directions. They meet in the middle of the street where an
argument begins. |
EFFIGY
Gee, nice
running into you here.
BALAMB
Wish I could
say the same.
EFFIGY
Our quarrel
ends here, you crystal ball-obsessed freak!
BALAMB
Yes, it will,
you card-shuffling raging psychopath!
EFFIGY
I see why
you like crystal balls so much, you have a lot in common with
them! Nothing more than trapped air!
BALAMB
Well, I never!
At least my customers come back!
EFFIGY
Oh, so we’re
bringing customers into this? Well, I’ve heard from customers
that all you do is admire yourself and pick your teeth in the
reflection of your crystal ball!
BALAMB
At least
I have something to admire! Wish I could say the same for your
face!
EFFIGY
Grr, I could
just…um…curse you right now! (Realizing it’s a
no win situation) Um, uh, unfortunately, I must be going! Yeah,
I have um, appointments with CUSTOMERS to keep, unlike some people!
BALAMB
Yeah you
just get going, do your fancy little card shuffling shenanigans.
We’ll see who’s the top fortune teller. And just for
your information, Mr. I Think I Know Everything, I’m booked
ALL DAY with appointments.
EFFIGY
Ooh, booked
all day. I’m so happy for you. That’s more people you
can scare off and send my way. I should be thanking you.
BALAMB
You’re
so welcome. Your generosity is so admirable that I think I’ll
go puke now. Just wait till our paths cross again! (BALAMB abruptly
turns around, snubs EFFIGY and exits the way he/she came. EFFIGY
does the same shortly after)
END
OF SCENE 4
END
OF ACT ONE
top
Robert
McPhee